untitled...

there are times i feel like a child
small, helpless and not in control of anything.
i’m not really a mother who’s supposed to know all the answers,
or a wife who puts her dreams aside
so her husband can follow his.
i’m a little girl who’s scared to stay alone-
waking when the house settles to check windows and doors.
i’m naive to the horrors that plague our world-
not comprehending the cruelty I witness
everyday.
in school, at work.
my NOW life takes over again
bill payer, lunch maker, gift buyer, laundry doer, toilet cleaner
and
the only word my children know
when they are upset. or need something.
or simply want to whine.
i am not the person i dreamed i’d be.
not the always patient parent you see on television commercials,
not the laid-back-go-with-the-flow type.
i am not as organized or on top of things as i had hoped.
i am not the cookie baker or happy memory maker i always imagined.
in fact,
i am selfish and wonder why someone cannot take care of me-
at least sometimes.
every now and then i’d like to be tucked in. and soothed. and worried about.
real life once more;
grocery shopper, floor washer, carpet vacuumer, party planner and...as always,
child-watcher-mother-wife-
and those are just my chores tonight.
perhaps someday it will be my turn
to chase dreams, to become the person i’d hoped.
my turn to be the
story-writer, poem creator, soul inspirer, life-lesson teacher, spiritual director, smile bringer…
or maybe
in the eyes of my children
i am all those things now.