Friday, October 24, 2008

More Inappropriate Costumes 2008

First I need to address this: I found it on the internet. Will the idiot who decided this was a good idea, please come forward?

In case you missed last years blog on Inappropriate Halloween Costumes For Children, you should really take few moments and reference it. Those of you still searching for the perfect outfit to throw on your little cherubs will not be disappointed with the selection, and there’s even more below.

My son only recently (as in three days ago) told me what he wanted to be for Halloween. After much discernment, thoughtful pondering and intensive research, he announced that he would like to be “someone in the war.”
“You mean, a solider, a military person?” Hoping he wasn’t opting for the bloody remnants of a fallen enemy.
“Yeah- I want to be a solider.”
“Just curious, why do you want to be that?” I ask. Again, listening for the words noble, or brave, or strong, or something resembling honor.
“Because I really want to carry a weapon. Can I have a real gun for my costume?”

Sigh. I pointed out to him that if he just wanted to carry a gun as part of his costume, there were many, many things he could dress as. A murderer. A Police Officer. Sarah Palin. Dick Cheney. A Russian bakery owner. An angry teenager. Why be limited? But he decided on the solider-so I’m stuck with that. The jury is still out on whether I’m going to let him have a “real” weapon. I don’t suppose he’ll be satisfied with the pop rifle we have from Bass Pro Shop. Maybe I can paint a lemon olive-green, and let him have a hand grenade.

I have convinced my daughter to dress as a gypsy this year. Mainly because I have all parts of the outfit already in our dress-up box. It’s also a bit nostalgic for me as well, since I used to dress up as a gypsy for Halloween all the time. Why? Because (again) mom had all the parts for the outfit at home. Everyone knows a homemade costume is 10 times better than those vinyl sheaths and plastic masks. At least that’s what mom sold me. It has been a bit difficult to explain to my daughter what a gypsy is. That’s an icon that has been removed from the history lessons and TV shows these days-so I look up some images on line. We shuffle through them, and she asks, “Yes, but what did gypsy’s do?”
Hmmm. “Well, they moved around from place to place.”
“That’s all?”
“Well, no, they played the tambourine and sang and probably stole stuff from people before they moved on.”
“The stole stuff?”
“Well, yes, but its not exactly the same as stealing stuff today…and..well…” At this point I have a son who wants to carry violent weapons and a daughter who I’m dressing up as a thief and vagrant. As a mother I have fed and clothed them, protected them from harm, kept them warm in the winter, and have occasionally provided laughter and good memories. Apparently their character and tendencies I cannot attest to.

In that light, I made a list of a few more Inappropriate Costumes, in case there are any of you out there who would like to join the ranks of Mother of the Year.

Burning Dollar Bill- spray paint a rectangle of foam green and affix an image of Jefferson on the front. Put 100’s in each corner. Shred some red, orange and yellow tissue paper and affix around a flashlight to symbolize a large burning flame. Put on your child’s head. Teach your child the following slogans to recite as he/she walks through the neighborhood; “The world is going to hell in a handbasket;” “Our president always sucks;” “Down with Government Control;” and lastly, “Nobody gives a rat’s ass about the middle class.”

A Made In China Sign- This costume is super simple and for the cash strapped family. All you need is a large piece of carboard-paint it white and stencil in, “Made in China.” Make sure you use lead paint. For good measure and to really get the point across, hang some milk bottles from the side, labeled “Melamine only,” and attach some stuffed (read: dead) dogs and cats for your child to drag along. If you’re really looking to be edgy, tape a bunch of fake money to the sign, since that’s where most of ours is going.

Politician In Handcuffs- (For the boy in your family) Another budget conscious outfit. Dress your child up in his/her Sunday best-slacks, blazer and shirt and tie. Handcuff your child’s hands behind their back, and hang a sign around their neck that reads, “Washington Politician.” Keep your neighbors guessing as they wonder, Kinky role play? Arrested for soliciting sex? Caught taking kickbacks from Columbia or Mexico? Cuffed for pilfering millions of our retirement dollars? It’s a costume and charades all rolled into one.

Angelina Jolie-Pitt- (For the girl in your house) For the social worker and do-gooder in every girl! Dress your daughter in a fancy, billowy frock, and give her a pair of those big, red wax lips. Tape 27-35 pictures of multi-national babies and a few sets of twins, to the outfit. Place crown on her head with glowing halo. For your daughters best friend, have her dress in plain clothes, ruffle up her hair, and attach 27-35 multi-national and twin life-like baby dolls to her outfit. Place sign on her back reading, “Nanny who really takes care of state-spoon-like-infant-collection.”

Well, I hope that provides parents who are at a stalemate with their child, some additional costume alternatives. It doesn’t really matter if your child understands it, its all about how much you and your friends can laugh at how clever you are. I’m up for ideas. Any additional last minute suggestions?

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