A Hairy Subject

Before we get started, what the hell is that crap? I’ve been fighting it back with a baseball bat and a long vacuum nozzle all day long and it’s clearly winning. This stuff plagues the corners of every step in this house, behind all my doors, along my baseboards—tuffs and tuffs of this hairy-linty-dusty concoction. It’s enough to make me gag. Speaking of gagging, this junk reminds me of dissected owl pellets from college—you know, after you’re done locating all the rodent skulls, femurs, and vertebrae from the little wad of gack, all that stuff you’re left with. Perhaps flocks of owls are sneaking into the house when I’m not home and yacking all over the house, but it’s doubtful. I could safely say however, if I were to root around in the linty hairy mess from my floors, chances are good I’d wind up with carnage of a different sort: dismembered Polly Pockets, leggo men with helmets, snap beads, and the occasional sock. I’m telling you, this stuff is thick.

I’ll admit (of course many of you already know this) that I don’t vacuum nearly as often as I should, perhaps once a week (who are we kidding.. more like every two weeks) but I don’t understand how this crap gets so deep. It’s only been two weeks. It’s not like my windows have been open and the nice spring breeze has brought in outdoor filament to settle on all horizontal surfaces. My windows have been out of commission, locked and shut since November for pete’s sake. As for the hair, I understand like all mammals we’re going to shed our share of it, which is going to land on the floor. But this amount makes it look like the entire family is molting. It’s truly ridiculous. What I didn’t photograph is what it looks like under our master bed. We’ve got hardwood floors and a king size bed and there is ample square footage under there that never sees the light of day. However, when I glanced down there this evening, I’m pretty sure I saw a Sasquatch asleep in his natural habitat.

One thing I always think is interesting is when people design or remodel their homes they always want hardwood floors. It’s so pretty! It’s so classy! It’s a great return on investment. It’s also a pain in the ass to keep up. Carpet Carpet Carpet people! Carpet hides this stuff so much better because there is a place for the crap to sink into. As you walk on it the crap sinks deeper, therefore it always looks cleaner. Hardwoods prevent the sinkage, and Sasquatch fibers float there on the surface gathering force and size until you are forced to use the vacuum. And you’ll be using it all the time.

Perhaps instead of trying to beat the hairy mess I need to embrace it. Change my thinking to focus on the positive aspects of having this hairy residue line every room of my house. Here’s what I came up with.

• Family and guests won’t need to bring slippers because one walk around the house with damp feet automatically ensures a nice felt coating.
• It will provide additional places to hide Easter eggs.
• If I collect it for a few months I could knit the family matching sweaters for our Christmas letter.
• It would be great for costumes at Halloween, like Abe Lincoln’s beard, Elvis’ sideburns, or Marge Simpson’s beehive.
• I’m providing a natural habitat for all the dust mites that live there (dust mites are people too, you know).
• I’m a great example of “being green” as no cleaners of any kind were used to eliminate it, and no electricity was used to suck it up.
• Provides thought provoking, mentally stimulating discussion of science concepts like “suspension” and “anti-gravitational forces” as the kids and my husband discuss exactly how it can cling to vertical surfaces with virtually no support.
• With a little glue and a chicken-wire frame, the kids could lint-mache a pet for themselves, one they can’t kill by not feeding it.

 That’s all I’ve come up with so far, but I’m off to a good start. I’m already feeling better about the rooms I haven’t vacuumed. It’s all about perspective. Just wait till our Christmas letter.